Monday, January 5, 2015

Nick... WHO?!?

Alright... So here we are again. Those of you that know me, know I only write these things when I have something weighing on me. Well how about this... I am 35 years old and just now know that I am 1 of 2 seeds of my father! I know right... Ridiculous. What?!?! 35 years old and just now know about a whole other side of a family. That's what I thought! Come to find out... They weren't even a mystery... Just undisclosed. Imagine for a moment... Just imagine... How that must make me feel.

Matter of fact... Don't imagine. I'll tell you! I am covered up in emotion right now! I feel anger, I feel relief, I feel hurt, and I feel ecstatic! Don't worry I know how that could be confusing, I will deal with each one of those. 

Let us start on a positive note, I am relieved because now I truly know who's lineage I belong to. When this man, my brother, contacted me, I could see his picture and there was no longer any doubt about who my father is! He looks just like me. Doubt?!?! Oh yeah, there is that. See as I was growing up there was a, call it concern, about who my father was. I knew that I carried the name of one man, however, as the story was told, I belonged to another. Now I know that to be false and untrue. Which, believe it or not, brings me some relief.

That leads me right into the anger that now wells inside of me! HOW could I have been lied to for SOOO long?!?! Not only lied to, but by the one woman a man is supposed to trust the most; his mother. This is like the whole Santa Clause thing for me. I knew that when my children were old enough to ask me about Santa I was not going to tell them that he was real. Never in my life do I want my children to feel like their dad was a liar. I never EVER want them to feel as I do RIGHT now! AND YET I feel like I have been lied to by the one I was supposed to trust the most.

Hurt... That plays right along the same line with anger. I know when the anger wears off, I am going to feel hurt. I know this, because I have experienced this many times as I have gone through life's lessons. I know I am one that gets angry first, then hurt. There are those that their hurt leads to anger, and then there are those like me, where when my anger wears off, it will then lead to hurt. So though I am not hurt now... It's coming... and by who?!? The one woman that a man is always supposed to trust! Thanks, Mom.

Now on to the ecstatic part... You know that feeling you had growing up when Christmas is over, but then you have that one relative's house to go to and they hasn't done their Christmas because they are waiting on you?!?! That is where I am knowing that I have a brother now! However, there is not the 3 or 4 days after Christmas to cover, there is 35 years for me and 40 for him. OH the stress of it all! I HAVE people that I am related to that I didn't even know existed! This man tells me that he has been looking for me for quite some time. I didn't even know that I should be looking for him! I was part this man's bucket list... REALLY?!?! WOW!

So where do I go from here? Well as far as I can tell, not much changes. I get to learn of a family that I should have known of my entire life. While doing so, I have to try not to hurt the relationships that I have now with the rage that I feel. So for me, this will be a balancing act, not for those in my future, but for dealing with those in my past. 

I will sign this one... HEAVY hearted,
~ Michael