Friday, October 21, 2011

Lack there of...

Today I talked with a friend, a friend of almost fifteen years. We talked for a moment about regrets. A brief moment... I don't like getting into those conversations mainly just because I could get stuck in those conversations for hours! There are a ton of things that I wish that I did differently. Should have done differently. Things that, in the moment, weren't life altering. However, I, like most people, looking back see how the minor decisions then could have had a major impact on my life now.

Some of the regrets are based on actions. Whether they be things that I said or did. However, digging back through the archives and dredging through the days of yesteryear, I am finding that the things that cost me the most in life were the things that I didn't do, that I didn't say. The I'm sorrys, the I love yous, the don't gos. It has left me to sit here and wonder "what if?". I know that there is no good reason to wonder "what if?", I know that nothing good could come of it. It still doesn't stop the thought from creeping into the mind from time to time.

These things that I should have said or done have cost me great things in my life. They have cost me relationships. Not only personal, but professional and my family as well. Though some of these things aren't as great as the others, there are some that I can never, in this lifetime, make right. Some have caused great pain not just to others but to myself as well.

When I look into the reasons why I didn't say or do, I find that everything was riddled with poor excuses. When it really just comes down to no intestinal fortitude in that moment or pride (that is a big one for me). I have found that the ability to be humble comes with age. The pride thing, though I am still a proud man, is not such an issue these days. Now as for the intestinal fortitude. I don't have a problem saying and doing in the moment anymore. The only exception to this is when I am dealing with my family. I still tend to hold my tongue with them, to an extent.

So.... I try at this point in my life not to hold anything back. I try to swallow my pride and man up when it is time to take action. For nothing more than I feel better knowing that I did or said what I could when opportunities present themselves. Instead of having the would of, could of, should ofs in life. I know that I at least made an attempt, if it blows up in my face it was meant to. There is nothing that I can do past that point. I have learned to accept that. Still don't like it, just accept it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Something old and new....

For those that know me, you know that I am simply complex. There are many versions to the man that is me. With every version there are also layers to each of those versions. For those that don't know me.... well if you keep up with this at all, it will become apparent. Now some of these versions of me are very likable and others.... well.... not so much. Even I have grown to not like some of the versions of me. I have, however, tried to make a valiant effort in correcting the things that I don't really care for when it comes to these versions.

Versions?!?!? You say. Well, versions, meaning the different personalities that I use for different situations. Say my work persona is a very aggressive asshole that is hard to deal with. However, with my son, I am a kinder more patient person. Not only are these versions very different, they are extreme. I don't mean just a little different, I MEAN EXTREME!

So... "Who cares?"... Right? Well, surprising even to myself, I do. That is how this has even come about. I am a person that needs to put things out. Just to get them out of my head. Whether it be by speaking, or writing, or just talking to my damned self. I need to get things out of my head. Sooo... Here we are. I think that with this not only can I get them out of my head, I will have a record of them. For nothing more than to be able to look back at them and see that I at least made an attempt to untangle the plate of spaghetti that is my mind.

Now, about the title "Random randomness". Because I can't really control the thought process of the human mind I don't know what this might be from post to post. As I unravel the craziness that is my life in a new way, I am just revisiting an old method of doing so. There were very few people that have been privy to my writings in the past. This too is going to be new for me, and by choice. Of course, I will probably only let a few people know that I am doing it. This still gives me the control that I like!