Lack there of...

Today I talked with a friend, a friend of almost fifteen years. We talked for a moment about regrets. A brief moment... I don't like getting into those conversations mainly just because I could get stuck in those conversations for hours! There are a ton of things that I wish that I did differently. Should have done differently. Things that, in the moment, weren't life altering. However, I, like most people, looking back see how the minor decisions then could have had a major impact on my life now.

Some of the regrets are based on actions. Whether they be things that I said or did. However, digging back through the archives and dredging through the days of yesteryear, I am finding that the things that cost me the most in life were the things that I didn't do, that I didn't say. The I'm sorrys, the I love yous, the don't gos. It has left me to sit here and wonder "what if?". I know that there is no good reason to wonder "what if?", I know that nothing good could come of it. It still doesn't stop the thought from creeping into the mind from time to time.

These things that I should have said or done have cost me great things in my life. They have cost me relationships. Not only personal, but professional and my family as well. Though some of these things aren't as great as the others, there are some that I can never, in this lifetime, make right. Some have caused great pain not just to others but to myself as well.

When I look into the reasons why I didn't say or do, I find that everything was riddled with poor excuses. When it really just comes down to no intestinal fortitude in that moment or pride (that is a big one for me). I have found that the ability to be humble comes with age. The pride thing, though I am still a proud man, is not such an issue these days. Now as for the intestinal fortitude. I don't have a problem saying and doing in the moment anymore. The only exception to this is when I am dealing with my family. I still tend to hold my tongue with them, to an extent.

So.... I try at this point in my life not to hold anything back. I try to swallow my pride and man up when it is time to take action. For nothing more than I feel better knowing that I did or said what I could when opportunities present themselves. Instead of having the would of, could of, should ofs in life. I know that I at least made an attempt, if it blows up in my face it was meant to. There is nothing that I can do past that point. I have learned to accept that. Still don't like it, just accept it.