Lost...

Well as I started this week, it started a little different than last. I started this week in church. Those that know me, know that at one point in my life, this was the norm. Now as I tell people about it, it comes as a surprise. To tell the truth... I was quite surprised myself!

With me working third shift, I find that on the nights that I am not working, I don't sleep well. This was not an oddity for me. So at 1 a.m. I decided that I would go to the gym. For me that means a 45 min bike ride. THAT IS A LOT OF TIME to think. That is a lot of time to have things weigh on you mind and heart. So, I put some music in my ears to drowned out the thought process, which usually works well. And, so it did.  Made it to the gym, went through my normal routine, but about 10 mins before I was done my phone dies... no more music. This left me stuck with nothing but my thought process all the way home. 

I came home still not tired. Did some chores around the house. I managed to get everything ready for my work week, groceries for my Ty days this week, it just seemed like everything was falling into place in that moment, that morning. With having done all of that, my morning still felt incomplete. So, I started cleaning my room, which is a far cry from how I once kept it. As I was cleaning off my dresser I dusted off my bible. 

"Dusted off my bible"?!?! Really?!? As I blew the dust off of it and wiped it down I felt as if I was compelled to get to church. Moved in that direction, pushed towards doing something that I literally haven't done in years! Years?!? For the first time since I can remember, I didn't fight the feeling. Actually, it excited me. So, I gladly showered, got dressed and out the door I went. 

The drive there was filled with the thoughts of how I was going to explain myself and my absence of more than three years. The nervousness of coming back to a place that I didn't feel like I belonged after so long. The fear of the looks and whispers of the ones that know me there. As I pulled in the drive I rationalized everything with the thought that He would not move me to come back to Him just to lead me into an uncomfortable situation, knowing the way I have handle these situations in the past.

As I entered the church I was greeted with big smiles and open arms, as always. I took my normal place in the front row of the balcony (which was still open as if I never left). The service began the normal way, opening prayer, a song from the hymnal, then on with the announcements. As it progressed through and we got to the sermon it seemed as if every word was spoken straight to me, as if there wasn't another soul in the room besides Pastor Scott and myself. 

As we came to alter call, still being pushed and moved, I followed the instructions in which I was being given. I took myself from the balcony down to the alter, buckled my knees and pleaded for the forgiveness that I do not deserve. As the words spewed for my mouth and heart, the tears streamed from my eyes and I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders. Because it is all bigger than me at this point I gave it all to Him again. Heart, mind, body and soul. 

I left it all there, in a puddle of tears on the bottom step our alter, I left everything there! The weight of my life was left there. My personal life, my work life, my finances, my everything, I left it there. Everything that has been my excuses for not doing what I KNOW that I am supposed to be doing in my life was left there for Him to do with as He desires. Not because I don't want to deal with, only because I don't know how to do it alone and I know that He does. 

So, what does this all mean today? Probably not much to anyone but me. Does this mean that as I sit here I am a changed man? NO, and I would be foolish to think so! However, I WOULD LIKE TO BE! I know that I didn't get here in one day, therefore I know that I will not be forever changed in one day. BUT, it's a start! A new beginning, if you will. Another undeserved chance for John Gannon. 

So, as I move forward today, you should see noticeable changes to my lifestyle, my speech and my outward attitude in all aspects of my life. Look for them, it should be a glorious journey for everyone. It was a very long rough road to get back to where I know I WANT to be. I don't want to wander lost anymore. 

Down a new, old familiar path.

Michael

Patience

Well, so far most of these things have been about how changing certain things in my life have changed the direction that things were and are going. This one is going to be a little different... Instead of talking about something that I have overcome... I think that I will tell you about something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.


Patience... This is still a hard struggle for me. There are very few things that I actually do have patience for. My TY I have buckets of patience for. Big, traumatic and/or catastrophic issues that come up, I am good with those. I can handle those types of things with no issues at all. With the problem solving skills that I have come to be able to use, these are not the things that I am talking about.


Let's start with me being an instant gratification kinda guy. If there is something that I want in life, I GET IT! No matter what I will find a way. If it is a monetary issue, I figure out how much it is going to take, work that by how many extra shifts that is, and work it until I get it. If it is personal I usually am able to just reach out there and snatch it to me. 


There are some things that just set me off EVERY time though. These are the things that upset me the most. Not really even because of the event, it is because, usually, I revert back to the snap-out artist of the past. I would like to believe that I am the more kinder, gentler me, but I am finding that I can slip right back there with ease. 


And it is the most simple things that send me back there. Just some insignificant person at work running their mouth, or that something that the Little Miss says that strikes me wrong, or my disrespectful mother smoking in the house that push me. Like I said, it is the little things that I am struggling to gain control over. These things are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. However, in the moment send me far past a point that I like to be now. 


So as I sit here tonight... My patience pushed to their breaking point... I don't know how to gain any more patience... The consensus is that it comes with age or knowledge or wisdom. I guess in order to gain patience, I am going to have to exercise patience. I am guessing that it is a learned habit. One that I have to learn on my own, because in my household growing up it was easier to flip over a table than to exercise patience. 

At my wits end.

Michael

"Independence Day"

It was 256 years ago today that the Declaration of Independence was signed. On this day 56 men came together to set forth a new way of life. A new way to rule a country. Free from a tyrannical government. Free from the rule of a government that was in the best interest of the people, but actually at the expense of the people. It was later said by Abe Lincoln "-that government of the people, by the people, FOR the people, shall never perish from this earth."

The British government found itself in great great debt after the Seven Years' War and thought that implementing more tax levies to keep the new 13 colonies in the British Empire was a fair means of recovering some of that debt. These tax levies were part of bigger issues that the new colonies (America) had with Parliament and their authority over the colonies.

Soooooo, does any of this sound familiar? Where are we going as Americans? I don't know about you, but from where I sit today, it looks as if we are traveling down the same path all over again. At what point did "of the people, by the people, FOR the people", lose its conviction? At what point did we as Americans let the government RULE the land of the people again?

Looking at all that it took for those men, in those times, to come to the realization that this was the best way to handle things leads me to wonder, exactly how bad did things have to get before they took action? Which, in turn, brings me back to today... How BAD do things have to get before WE as the American PEOPLE take action?!?! Does it have to get to the point of war against the government? Can we resolve it peacefully through democracy? Is it even in our best interest to resolve it peacefully, or do we send the message that the PEOPLE aren't to be toyed with?

I don't know. The only thing that I am sure of, is that if we continue down the path that we are taking we are going to be in trouble. More trouble than we are already struggling through. As individuals we struggle to be heard, however, as the collective PEOPLE I believe that we cannot be ignored.

This is just a little food for thought as we, myself included, take this day to put food in our bellies. A day that was fought for long before my time. As the people, don't relinquish control back to a government that does NOT have OUR best interest at heart. Don't let all of the work of the those PEOPLE and the 56 men who helped give us OUR freedom be in vain. 

Enjoy your Independence Day. As it was well-earned 256 years ago. Keep in mind that it may have to be earned again.

May God bless America, we need it, and may He bless your day as well. 

Proud to be American

~Michael 

Forgiveness

I am well aware that not every encounter in my life is going to be to my liking. I would be foolish to think otherwise. Knowing this to be the case, I am going to be wronged at some point.


There was a point in my life that these things would be big dramatic episodes in my life. These things would eat at me and I would drag them along for a while. These are the things that I would let control my emotions, my thought process and in turn would control my actually physical actions. It has taken some time in my life to be able to let go of these things.


Though I let the actions that caused all of these event go, I was still holding on to a piece of it. I was never truly letting go. I still had the resentment, the anger, the want for retaliation. So, in turn, this person or thing still had control over me, still had a hold on a part of me. 


As I sit here writing this tonight, I can honestly tell you, NO ONE HAS THAT CONTROL ANYMORE! It is not because I don't get wronged. It is not because I have retaliated against everyone that has wronged me. It is not even because in my kinder, gentler days I brush it off. It IS simply because what ever is done to me is forgiven. 


Don't get me wrong. This has not been an easy place to come to in my life. My kindness is not a weakness. However, I have found it easier to let things go before they ever even get to a point that is out of control. I still may get rowdy from time to time, but I DO NOT hold on to it for any length of time. It has become easier to just take my leave from the situation and smile knowing that though someone or something might have done something to me, I will not relinquish control of me to them. 


That was the easy side of things... The hardest person that I have trouble forgiving is myself. It goes back to I will always be harder on me than anyone else ever could. So the things that have been the hardest aren't the things that others have done, but rather, the things that I have done to myself. 


This is where I am at tonight. As I am dealing with things in my head and heart and letting go of things, I am finding hard to forgive myself for the choices that I have made in my life. However, as I cycle through my life over and over, I am finding peace in the events and giving myself the release from it that had held me in place for sooo long. This I CAN TELL YOU DOES NOT COME EASY! But it did come for me. 


So, as you deal with the things that have haunted you in your life. If you feel the anger, the resentment, the want for retaliation... let it go. Forgive whatever it is, whoever it is... It is not worth the time lost. It is not worth giving someone else that control over you. 


Give the forgiveness before it is ever has to be asked for. I know from experience, you will be THE better person for it. If it is yourself that you have to forgive, take the time to do so, DO NOT let it hold you in place from moving forward. 


The kinder, gentler... 
~Michael

(However... Nobody's Bitch)