With me working third shift, I find that on the nights that I am not working, I don't sleep well. This was not an oddity for me. So at 1 a.m. I decided that I would go to the gym. For me that means a 45 min bike ride. THAT IS A LOT OF TIME to think. That is a lot of time to have things weigh on you mind and heart. So, I put some music in my ears to drowned out the thought process, which usually works well. And, so it did. Made it to the gym, went through my normal routine, but about 10 mins before I was done my phone dies... no more music. This left me stuck with nothing but my thought process all the way home.
I came home still not tired. Did some chores around the house. I managed to get everything ready for my work week, groceries for my Ty days this week, it just seemed like everything was falling into place in that moment, that morning. With having done all of that, my morning still felt incomplete. So, I started cleaning my room, which is a far cry from how I once kept it. As I was cleaning off my dresser I dusted off my bible.
"Dusted off my bible"?!?! Really?!? As I blew the dust off of it and wiped it down I felt as if I was compelled to get to church. Moved in that direction, pushed towards doing something that I literally haven't done in years! Years?!? For the first time since I can remember, I didn't fight the feeling. Actually, it excited me. So, I gladly showered, got dressed and out the door I went.
The drive there was filled with the thoughts of how I was going to explain myself and my absence of more than three years. The nervousness of coming back to a place that I didn't feel like I belonged after so long. The fear of the looks and whispers of the ones that know me there. As I pulled in the drive I rationalized everything with the thought that He would not move me to come back to Him just to lead me into an uncomfortable situation, knowing the way I have handle these situations in the past.
As I entered the church I was greeted with big smiles and open arms, as always. I took my normal place in the front row of the balcony (which was still open as if I never left). The service began the normal way, opening prayer, a song from the hymnal, then on with the announcements. As it progressed through and we got to the sermon it seemed as if every word was spoken straight to me, as if there wasn't another soul in the room besides Pastor Scott and myself.
As we came to alter call, still being pushed and moved, I followed the instructions in which I was being given. I took myself from the balcony down to the alter, buckled my knees and pleaded for the forgiveness that I do not deserve. As the words spewed for my mouth and heart, the tears streamed from my eyes and I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders. Because it is all bigger than me at this point I gave it all to Him again. Heart, mind, body and soul.
I left it all there, in a puddle of tears on the bottom step our alter, I left everything there! The weight of my life was left there. My personal life, my work life, my finances, my everything, I left it there. Everything that has been my excuses for not doing what I KNOW that I am supposed to be doing in my life was left there for Him to do with as He desires. Not because I don't want to deal with, only because I don't know how to do it alone and I know that He does.
So, what does this all mean today? Probably not much to anyone but me. Does this mean that as I sit here I am a changed man? NO, and I would be foolish to think so! However, I WOULD LIKE TO BE! I know that I didn't get here in one day, therefore I know that I will not be forever changed in one day. BUT, it's a start! A new beginning, if you will. Another undeserved chance for John Gannon.
So, as I move forward today, you should see noticeable changes to my lifestyle, my speech and my outward attitude in all aspects of my life. Look for them, it should be a glorious journey for everyone. It was a very long rough road to get back to where I know I WANT to be. I don't want to wander lost anymore.
Down a new, old familiar path.