Monday, June 25, 2012

June 24

This is a day that weighs very heavy on me. This is a day that I don't ever seem to have much patience. Today is a day of regrets for me. On June 24th of every year it is a day of remorse.

Remorse for the decisions that I have made in my life. Regret for not fighting harder for the things that I want most in life. For letting go far before it was time. For letting someone else guide the path of my life. For letting those that meant the least in my life cause the most painful struggle of my life. 

There are a lot of things that I am not proud of in my life. However, today is one of those days that has become a blemish on my heart that I will never be able to clear up. Though at one point in my life it was one of the proudest days, today I feel the sorrow. 

Today is the day that my first son was born. Twelve years ago, today, was one of the few moments in my life that I was truly a proud man. However, at that time, man, would have been a far stretch of the word. I was just out of the service, lost, yet wild and free. Very little care for the events that were to transpire. No problem solving abilities at all. Just meandering though life with no purpose or meaning. 

The mother was pregnant in NJ and I was working in NC. So, I took 2 weeks, went back to NJ to spend some time with the mother and child. I saw my son born on this day, then I spent the next 17 days developing a bond with him. Then it was time for me to get back to work so I had to go. 

She and I made plans to get them moved here and get her set up with work and a place of her own. Everything that one could need to live a comfortable life. Home, vehicle, furnishings... I mean the whole deal. The only thing that she had to do was show up and everything could have been wonderful, wonderful for all parties involved. 

It seems that in the transition period my family had grown fond of my son being there. They proceeded to plant a little seed into the mother's head about her son being taken from her if she were to come here. So, she did what I would expect of any mother to do and didn't show. In a time when I should have been heart-broken. I was enraged. This kept me from seeing what I really needed to see in the moment. 

I needed to see that my focus should have been on keeping her on track. However, my focus moved towards the anger and pain that this situation caused in my life. In order not to feel the anger I gave up on it all. Threw my hands up and walked away from the whole situation. A couple of court hearings later I am just the money man. Not the daddy. 

This is why today is remorseful for me. Not for what my family did. Not for what the mother did. For what I didn't do. I didn't put up the fight necessary to get what I wanted or more than that, NEEDED. I didn't put forth the effort to do what was right as a man. The only thing that I did right was not make a bigger mess out of it through my rage. 

So today my son is twelve and I do not know him. Today he is with another family that is not his blood. His mother is passed two years now and his father doesn't know him. This is my deepest regret! This is my hardest lesson learned in my life!

As I move forward in my life. I don't wish any man the pain that I feel. I don't want anyone to have to feel what I feel daily. I don't think that anyone should deserve to feel the emptiness that I live through on a regular basis. I know that some will say that they know what I am going through. To you I say I am sorry, but I don't think so. No one is ever harder on me than I am myself. So while some of you may think that I want the same for you... YOU ARE TRULY MISTAKEN! I wouldn't wish this on any one... EVER!

Rest in eternal peace Jaime.

To my dearest son. Though your father does not know you. I do not ever forget about you. I love you to this day with all of me. I LOVE YOU Johnathan. 

Written with a blemished heart

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